The good

Working for a paycheck is nothing my strong heart has ever felt like it needed. sitting here sifting through the ashes and the bits of me leftover from you, working towards something golden seems like a decent thought. you are best at reading body language sent your way. just take a second to understand it, and you'll never have to ask questions.

"I've got all this love behind my eyelids."

But you're no one to go cutting ears off for.

except, what if you are.

that you've found a someone.

wondering if you can feel when my eyes pierce your frame. thinking maybe one day i could be walking beside you and without hesitation, you'd extend your hand. days and nights are filled with us, and i know you don't look at anyone the way you look at me. i've got writings on the walls and notes posted to my bed frame as reminders of where you'll be and who is in your head. still, there is comfort in the room when you're here. you take in the fumes and toxins and rage, even the ones caused by your futile mistakes, and clear the sordid spaces in my head. i've played with the idea of writing you off and sending out every one of your incredibly deserved fuck yous, but i care for you with too much of myself to ever send you away for good. for now, i'll cry behind closed doors and shake in front of the manifestations of my worst fears (colored jeans, sunglasses, jean jackets and the idea that you might be wishing to be close to him) until I know I'm on the mend.

I held your hand with all the force behind my joints. I wanted you to hold me one last time and mean it, and I'll never forget how it felt when you finally did. My limbs feel wrecked, my heart feels betrayed - but i've got you. somehow, you're here.

As long as you're around,

I never want to feel the universe expanding between us again.

of all times to be seeing things.

realizing now how truly warped i've become. following paths only as far as the glow of the headlights. not thinking about tomorrow, not thinking of anything but myself. dumbing down now. the power of higher conscious finally took its toll. though head and soul might feel better if i let them, there is no comfort in subduing who you are deep down. save it for a rainy day and all. heart is aching, but thats the only thing that feels familiar these days. tainting all of the things i've considered the most beautiful. the toughest road is self-realization. get down, get lonely. maybe all we need is to throw our questions out the window. distance takes me further from where i want to be, and though i've figured nothing out, abandoning this state i'm in feels counter productive. wanting to be free feels more like raising a toast.

this one's for the scum bags.

more bass.

emotion, much like color, is completely relative. they've got you wrapped up in what you think is truth, but poetically speaking my purple could be your yellow - and you'd never know otherwise. this brings us to a general feeling which we will label as happiness. what i feel as complete and utter joy, you may feel as torture and worldly demise. the reality here is that you've been trained to believe that what you see is, in fact, what is. really, you've never been more wrong.

packing up boxes belonging to my former self. shipping them off to some warehouse i don't know the name of. not planning on visiting them for quite some time. picking up the pieces, adding some new gears and shiny gadgets to distract from the worn out bits of my once human form. attributing the shakes and constant headaches to the transformation. still, i know i'd be a fool to think my body is over extracting the toxins deposited from the mind i'll never get to know. but everything goes on as was planned before the let down. attaching myself to strings of those whose hearts i am certain are true. unfortunately, you can never be too careful.

there's a change in the wind, says i.

insomnia

the prospect of tomorrow is you

the birds hound the night with their noise

trains sound their horns in the distance

its a parade of sorts

nothing is ever as hopeless as it seems,

except when it is.

when the sun sets tomorrow

we will have our answer.

ready to remember all that ive forgotten

and then lose it all again

i'll go, i've been. we're back.

its the baptism of thoughts

flowing like holy water through my fingers.

refuse to believe i made it that easy for you to walk away

though you've made it easy enough to turn this into quite the show.

so, tonight i bow (out)

tonight, i finally feel real again.

I've seen so many beautiful sights

and they're enough to piece together the rest.

so that we know it hurts.

spending time locked away, wrapped in myself. creating fiction so fantastic its as if i could make it play out word for word. i could simply say hello, and you'd start spitting out the words i've pretended you've sad one too many times. the best part of this falsehood is that it feels like if i could let you fall into into speaking these words, you'd mean them. its dangerous being this weak for you. one step away from shattering this beautiful fable i've fabricated on nothing but longing and the space of dead air. hoping still that maybe someday i'll click my heals, and you'll know to wish for me too.

i've put myself beside you, filling the space between your arms. here is where we should fall asleep, but i let you drift as i stay awake. i listen to your breathing as it steadies, and i slow my lungs to match your rhythm. your heart beats so heavy i hear it pulsing against the edges of my mind. i turn to find your face, and am surprised to see you starring back. your smile spreads wide. i kiss your teeth and find your hand. safe and content, i drift into a sleep too comfortable to dream. the hours pass until the sunlight streams in, and i wake in a panic with an empty hand. still, your back is pressed to mine. there is a moment where i wonder how we drifted so far through the night, but before i have time to process the feelings rising to the surface, you stir and quickly search the space surrounding you. i turn, you take my hand, and our bodies involuntarily mold to each other's frames.

here sits the evidence for which i have built my case. you once were here, and though you may have left i still feel you everywhere. my only hope lies in that some day i will turn to search for you, and there you'll be searching for me too.

wanting nothing more than to wake up to find your skin

looking into the sweetest pair of eyes that have ever starred back at mine.

the mean reds

its the things you do when you're alone that ground you. folded up to my knees, phone pressed to my forehead. and sighs. the lights are on; i don't have to keep myself from falling apart. when you have nothing its easiest just to sit and exist on your own terms. leveling out, but you could still catch me imagining you're here. terrified because i've already forgotten so much of you. like catching the sent of kindergarten classrooms, you're familiar but distant. the prospect of being in range of your energy excites my bones and panics my heart. there is a theory to document, but even i know it grows too complex in all its simplicity. isn't it a lovely fiction to dream the anticipation might be the end of you too?

tell me what i have to do to make this right.

an explanation for explanation sake.

to her, the fleeting moments after they met passed by with the sigh of the hours and their striking momentum. to him, she was the only thing he ever needed to hold onto. he could make an attempt to walk away, but the sound of her voice asking him to stay was more than he could bear to deny. he was scared, and she was tired. she spent her days trying understand him. when she finally found him hiding behind thick screens of delusions and melodies she pulled him out of his shroud and guided him to the open air. he attached himself to her, breath and body. she pulled on his shirt and grasped his hair; he sought her hand and brushed his lips to her neck in the dark. he was disarmed, and she was hopeful. to keep her close he wore her clothes through the day; she replayed the tone of his voice over in her head. she'd take in his frame and note how he slumped with the whole of the world on his mind. he'd marvel at her face and the bell tone of her laugher as he tried to imprint the feel of her confidence in his stride. the blank stare he lost himself in often startled her. she wondered if he was questioning his actions, but he was only ever solidifying his claim on her. she needed to know he belonged to her, but couldn't bring herself to believe he would ever keep her company. he longed to be strong enough to lift her shoulders when her chest caved into itself as she wept. with a night that seemingly lasted just as long as an intake of breath, she felt the tug of his importance in her chest. it latched onto her heart and soul. she felt the worry on her face. he sighed and grimaced with the complexity of guilt as he saw the end of them in her weakness.

now, without a warning, he's gone. her siren call follows him back into hiding; the desperation of her plea nearly crushes him. he removes himself from the world and forgets all he knows of empathy. she misses his heartbeat and methodically traces the empty spaces between her fingers. ghosts of their past flash on screens behind her tired eyes. he misses the way it felt to be worth something in the eyes of another, and how her warmth felt as he desperately pressed himself into her form. still, he forbids himself to win her back. the pain he would suffer in the face of her leaving was no contender for the torment he would endure if he ever caused her harm.

"I don't love you anymore, goodbye."

different

small frame

wide eyes

acid brain

convinced a war over love

is the only thing strong enough

to knock mankind to its knees.

i can't even write.

so you've disappeared, but only slightly. at least you know when to remind me you're here. talking out loud walking down muddy grass, making lists with myself in the drivers seat. i want to write down everything i miss so when the bullet points come back to life i can remember to appreciate them. more importantly for the things that fade for good, i want to remind myself that at some point i missed them. free thinking pieces of my brain flood my system, though they've all started to collect somewhere in my chest. they pulse and they breathe, they wretch and they writhe. collectively these little pieces of you and your reigning chaos sigh and snicker as i edge closer to the wilderness. in the cover of the trees i'm finding it easier to access the pieces i know i've been missing. you've taken away the conversation and the admiration. the melodies and daydreams still fog the air, but i've taken matters into my own hands.

so many things i want you to know

not enough places for me to spit it all out.

i wish you'd always been kept far.

it moves, it moves.

walking into a paramount surprise. to know the heart you've waited for has only scanned the surface, and promptly decided they're better off alone. i've got memoirs of sunrise mornings and rain washed hair. back logging appraisals of cool, smooth skin. moving in closer, sighing with the comfort of the cold side of a pillow. you've stained all that i am. your lips etched themselves onto my forehead, your hands clearly marked my palms. ghostly suggestions of what you once were stroke my hair in the dark. i've got the feeling of your breath on my neck clouding the few thoughts that aren't lingering on you. weakened, my body molds to a silhouette it hardly remembers, but has trouble trying to forget. glad i caught wind of what you were planning, it would have been a shame to document a falsehood. you disappeared, and god knows how much I wish I never had to travel back home with you. if it weren't for the sudden change of scenery, would you have had the strength to pick a few more strings for me as we kissed under cover of your half hearted melody. finding it hard to convince myself there wasn’t beauty and truth behind the scam - but somehow its all i can seem to remember.

yelling out how you should be ashamed, but i know i'm feeling all the symptoms. missing faces that rearranged my world. so many castles have been built around here just to fall. reminding myself to turn right at red lights and to close the cabinet door, but never again will i forget that happiness only comes in graphic shades of grey. daylight’s finest dream didn't last long, but it was enough to remind me where my head belongs.

this ain't where its at

nervous and hopeful. a bad combination for a bad heart. i've got nothing but everything i'll ever need, still yours is a face i'm not willing to forget. wanting to be where ever you are. i'll sit and stare across sun filled lawns, letting your laughter roll off my skin. to be anything at all with you is to steal time, to leave two handprints together on the concrete. forever doesn't have to be now, but i feel the push and pull of the your tide. you're in my steps. all over everything.

all in colors that don't exist.

heavy

spending time back against the bathroom wall. today sorrows don't reap chaos in floods down my cheek, but rather it swells and breathes in the way that i miss you. you made moments easier before i knew you. i wanted your secrets before i was even able to recognize your face. after seeing the light, i still don't feel real. mostly i attribute my wandering to you. everything that i want to be, and nothing that i am lies in you. saving the sweetest eyes i've ever seen behind a glass wall. i'll never reach you, but god knows i'd keep you if you'd let me. the hourglass emptied, and you stood there as the road stretched between us. you're just fine, i'm ruined.

if things were different

i'd never accept your answer.

its like standing across a valley in the mountains. you stand ridged and alone at the highest peak. you can almost make out the voices of people who love you as they shout across the gap. they plead at you and beg for you to make your way across the valley to them. to safety. they sound desperate and longing, but some how hopeful that you might finally count yourself among them. the breeze is tickling your skin and making its way through your ears. you squint and attempt to locate them with everything you've got left, but its hopeless. you step forward, but you're crippled by the task ahead of you and fall to your knees. your heart breaks. your bones ache to the core of you. as your head falls and you buckle under the pressure, that raging voice in the back of your head starts to laugh maniacally. you know it's been right all along. you can't win this battle. you pick yourself up and descend down the opposite side of the mountain stone faced, bruised and alone.

wanting my forever high. i want to write my name on the ceilings of the world. i pulled the puzzle out of the closet again today, only to remember some of the pieces have been missing for years. not to mention that sad and lonely child starred back at me in the mirror. seeing her only brings on the heavy hearts and bad luck. i'm going to take everything and blow it out of the water because i've got nothing else. the amount i've invested in such unstable bets is unnerving, but more problematic are the paralyzing thoughts that unexpectedly creep into my head. trying so hard to stay in the light of the sun, but if i continue basking in this artificial light - i'll end up burning.

momentum is fleeting.

i might just stay stationary for a while

and wait.

you come along because i love your face

yesterday had so many words, but today is a completely different story. driving past headstones, holding my breath. you've got no grace, but you're everything that's interesting to me. we'd never match, not in the slightest. but if i said i cared i'd be more than lying. next time the words flow let's not forget to write them down. hoping something will work out - eventually.

for now..fuck. everything is too fucking passionate.

forgetfulness is annoying

everything is fire and smoke and mirrors. thinking up a plan. i just might try striking out again for the fun of it. i'll attach metaphors to your face and smile over nothings not so sweet. wanting tomorrow. but first, let's just see how the energy flows.

i hope i'll be seeing you soon.

awkward

everything can look new in different lighting accompanied by the right soundtrack and mood. what once was dust covered and grimy can suddenly turn bright and pink with the freshness of new life. these tired eyes lie awake, open and shocked due to a simple cliche. for being such an outlier, you just wound up pretty normal. there is nothing epic in your story, so i'll nod and be polite because being honest at this point just won't do. the majority of my being is trying desperately to keep a smile plastered across my face because truthfully its what i want. i want to always feel the sun. i want the giddy excitement to stir in my chest for no apparent reason. but there is a chunk of my soul that lingers at the bottom, constantly snapping its ugly head at these contras. so i'll keep writing, and i'll keep pushing this little monster down, because i want to be my own form of high.

but hey, just a random and contradictory p.s. -

i think you're pretty too.

glory days

trying with futile efforts to clean up this mess, to clean off your stain. everything i know is tainted by everything you are. ready to be over it. ready to be new, but you just won't let me be. really thats only half true. my duty has been fulfilled for the time being, so thank you for writing me off. of course i'll be here, i won't give up on you even after you've completely given up on me. its clear we belong like this.

thoughts are drifting to a new possibility.

your eyes are completely new. i've never known a shade so full

and i want to know what's going on behind them.

at the same time, i'd rather die than visit the end of the earth again. this storm is raging inside and out. i want something i don't have to doubt. true as the lines of your face. go ahead, tell me what you're thinking.

light up text king

raging inward, tired of wishing my anger at the world. really, it just might be easier this way. constant disappointment is by far safer than a sporadically rising and deflating hope. I want to make this place safe for my words again. you've got me bound by so many ties. it makes me sick to document it down, but at the same time i know i'm perfectly content with this charade we play. i've got wit to spare, and any mind fuck is going to outdo the real thing every time. worrying now that i've placed too much of myself on the most feeble of bets. desperate from the core of me to keep expanding my knowledge. i feel more animated than ever before. god forbid it all ends now. as thinking prophets, humans create their own worst nightmares. you won't lose yourself over something that doesn't matter. truth is, someday you won't anymore. there will be a new soul to chew over. fresher and more enticing. for now everything you are is daggers, and i'll keep pushing my heel back into the blade until we mutually resolve this tension.

i'll keep being your place holder

please, just don't go.

i count on them

in a position at this very moment that i would rather not be in. we could be the world. but youre too set on ignoring the truth. ill stay here for as long as i can, but the reality is setting in too quickly.

down and out

more than confused. more than angry. sleepless nights waiting for the sunrise, followed by sleepless mornings agonizing over your troubled head. i am not out of character, and you don't care. why would you? becoming far too invested, but never mind. slouching shoulders and glaring eyes. pick me up. i want to beam. i want it to be you, but right now i just want you to go away forever. terrified you might be thinking the same. My thoughts are stuck. having so much to say, but no motivation to let it out is enough to send me to my knees. disappointed. begging for you to enlighten me. I never want to know, except I always do.

"I don't know where you've been, but I could wash your sins away."

like wildfires

I am dirty and I am shitty, and I will make no more excuses for that. You're the one thing in my life that stands by me without question. You take this hollow existence I create for myself and with nothing more than the truest belief in everything that I am, you set a fire under me. You are pure. You hurt and you love. Your trust is always earned, and I will burn in silence for causing a disruption in this relationship that we have built. In a short time priorities can aline themselves. Always taking the good with the bad. Learning from mistakes and praying that you never lose the strength in your heart to stand by me. You're my favorite blessing, and you should know that I will always place my bets on you, always. and I will constantly sacrifice for you, because you do it for me more than i wish to admit. Realizing now that the things I desperately think I need, I don't. I want you to understand the meaning behind these simple sentences more than ever. You make me want to be better, because this villain needs a hero like you.

So I will keep raging, but not for the same reasons I have before. Making diagrams for all the shit and disappointment there is in this world so that the people I care about never end up on the wrong side. To those that I love the feeling is immense, and I am eternally grateful for each and every one of you and your ability to put up with this fucked and dented heart. To the rest of you, fuck you. I don't want any of your bullshit. Not now, not ever. I don't want any piece of your life, and I hang my head in shame as you waste your time being the trite and cliche little shits that you know you are. I'm accepting the fact that wanting to be good doesn't always mean you can be, but the people you choose to put in your life should should be markers of the goodness inside of you, and goddamn it i've got some of the best. i will keep trying to accept myself and my potential because you all deserve that. Every heart I know outdoes my expectations of them, plus some. I would gladly settle to be even a fraction of the person my friends are.

I don't want to be a disappointment.

I am making promises. and I will keep them.

Most importantly, I'm just sorry.

feeling alright

expression is the most passionate form of therapy. you're all over everything. i'd erase you, but i fear what would come of me if i let myself get that reckless/careful. nothing ever makes sense, but i'll keep looking at your online status until all hours of the night. i will keep falling asleep before your idle moon. the way you move is inspiring, and i don't ever want to forget it.

i'll write you into forever.

the curse

driving down the road, feeling my heart slowly slink out of my chest. to be the soul that cures another. to be cured in return. you ruin me over things that never existed. after all this turmoil felt only by me and making up tragedies to some how loosely fit the music, i know it could never be you. it hurts too much to wait here, but endurance is all i've mastered at this point. you've got me. asking to be fucked up by something true, rather than just whats fucked up in my mind. the only comfort i can manage is knowing that somewhere you're moving.

I don't need anymore animation than that divine truth.

the aftermath

i've got to let this be okay. just breathe in and out, hope i make it through the night. the cold makes me feel real. still tethered to the solid ground. terrified of what this means. you've got a heart that mirrors mine, but you're not the first so you can't be the last. i need you like a bad habit. the worst. "i love how i never care about anything you say, except how i always do." still waiting for the day i can look at a pair of eyes and claim them as my own. i could get angry, i could be malicious, and though i already am it already doesn't matter. i'm going to do the worst for myself. i'm going to shove myself back to the bottom. don't get your hopes up, they never make for anything but trouble. i'll take this ultimatum, but it scares the living hell out of me. who am i going to be when we both decide its too much for me? wish i was an iron heart. obviously you're not worth any of this, but to me you are.

i fear it over death.

la-de-da

i'm cursed, so nevermind.

you and me, baby

wanting real love. fights, blissful hurt and back breaking insanity all laced and eternally encompassed in the comfort that comes from knowing a pair of eyes is forever searching for you, and you alone. really, there isn't any searching for forever in this idea. the beauty of mutual attraction is a case i am not well versed in, but i admire it over most things in this world. to meet someone and know you'd do anything to protect them as long as humanly possible. to meet true love square in the eyes. it is a phenomenon i wish for above all else in the most inner part of my soul.

to want to live forever.

yours is the first face that i saw

couldn't go to sleep without documentation. after all this time its still true that the most incredible and unwavering gift in my life is all the love i've known.

i am not my flesh.

no love

nothing compares, still i'm finding myself consumed by the same anger. i want you out of my life forever. my mind changes on a dime. this is the only place i've got to spill my guts, so here we are. rage in my heart while love races through my veins. i've said it before, i'll say it forever - you're fucking terrible. guarding my heart with my life. fuck you.

the words just won't come out.

picking the fucking world up, mother fuckers.

sitcom living

fuck it.

A happy expression. riding on cloud nine, coming straight up from the bottom. never have i ever been right, but today is the day. coming around to conclusions that I know now are truths no matter how ugly they might be. i am better than misery, but it keeps the words flowing. i believe in this, just in a different way. i'm going to use you. forget love, i've got new agendas. heal yourself, make peace.

"live from the barrel"

This is a formal apology from the deepest part of everything that I am. I'm sorry. So beyond fucking sorry that I can't make myself everything you need. Its obvious I can't be anything to you, but what's more is the electricity that courses through my core when holding onto your gaze. If I was an intelligent individual in any sense of the word I would have been ready for you. I would have had my shit together. I wouldn't be such a fuck up. I wouldn't be so wrong in so many ways. We're perfectly aligned, but this is all on me, and I understand its the truth. I know somewhere inside me that there is always hope. sadly, its a lost one. It is the small seed of an idea that keeps each foot marching on grudgingly. I never know the truth until the message has already gotten around against me, but I can't say I care this time. You're the conversation I need. You're the laughter that heals and breaks me. I am surrendering my will. Its okay, I've been here a hundred times before. I know the drill.

You're completely terrible,

but I lose myself when you speak my name.

and she made you better.

This is heavy. This is real. I can't shake this, or you. I'm turning songs into a reality i'll never face. I want to hold someone's eyes. to unglue them from the floor, "hold your head high, heavy heart." i want summer through winter. i want crying in your lap and laughing at all your clever lines. there are so many of me waiting in the corners of the world. even with spotlights, they'll all find a way to look us over. my vices can take the edge off, but im shaking for you (for anyone). i'll sit in the dark with you and wait. expectations versus reality.

in desperate need of a real smile. i want to see you laugh deep from your core. i want you to look straight through me. tell me you can't smile because you know.

but the thickness of silence.

like, he's in college. he goes here.

And I will keep raging. Raging harder and stronger because it's what i deserve. Hope will keep coursing through my veins because its the only fire they've got left. Mostly were all just closed off and terrified, but i want to be the opposite. I'm wearing my worry on my face, and keeping my heart braced for battle on my sleeve. individual. I will finish this undertaking i've claimed. I want to succeed, and i will. i have nothing to live down, no expectations to live up to. we are not disposable. we treat others like the waste we are inside to mark some sort of territory. we do it so we don't feel so alone. we fail so we can achieve. i'm going to remain solid on this promise because its a blessing to be this fucked up, wild kid that i know i am. I do not want another question. I'm the kid with all the answers from here on out.

traveling north.

Manifest

A materialization of pain. The world weighs too heavy today. This isn't a choice. It isn't a plea for attention. It is a reality I am faced with everyday. Don't pretend like you know if you don't. Don't try to understand, because those of us down here can't even understand it ourselves. I want to be brilliant and universal. Waiting for the right soul to show me the light.

Come over, come over.

havoc

You make the possibilities unfold.

You're interesting and I hardly know you.

You're really just another asphyxiation of mindless obsession.

sorry.

i'm not one for love songs

honestly, i desperately want this to be okay. waking up not feeling weighed down by the hours would be a miracle at this point. running in circles, chasing my tail. running toward what i've already past. put me on repeat and watch me play. at some point the warmth from the hearts of those i love most won't be enough. its getting colder everyday. stiffening joints and frozen impulses would have been frightening before, but its almost certain i won't be able to muster up the energy to care. every second is spent searching for you, or anyone. i should just slow down and take it easy. a day by day commitment to save the little bit of soul i've got left. but everything is a contradiction. my mind races, my heart follows. slowly my flesh and all its excess move through daily life. a saunter for the sick, for the dirtbags and wasted youth. we do our dance to the rhythm of the grind. we're so fucked up because all we've got is burdens. were burdens on each other and each person we may think or wish we knew. sticking together can only get you so far in this game. kids, we're almost timed out.

and its not surprising that i'm going to end this way. its predictable, but you could save me. not in my normal sense of overwhelming romance or hopeless longing, but rather friendship. a few completely interesting souls to spend my nights with.

i miss complexities i've never had.

passion, laughter. ignite me. engulf me.