Downcast

can't tell you how many times i've said 'this is the first day of my life.' find so many people who match who i am so entirely that i wonder how i've ever lived without them. but people use and abuse. there are people who have left, and there are people who are leaving. i'm giving my heart away to no one. bruising my pride for feeling. falling in love without a lover. it feels the same: anxious, heart enriched, sacrificing, beautiful, aching, all knowing, ever lasting. feel like i can't be real without being taken over. skin just lays on bone, and paper thin nerves feel nothing if not enriched by love. can't admit out loud that i try to put every person i meet as a lead in the narrative. just trying out bodies to fill the part. maybe i'll find one that clicks. maybe someday i'll find forever. for now i'll fall, alone. one-sided, desperate, fucked, and stupid.

(i still think of you, just not the way i did before. still love you just the same. i know that's one forever i'll never be rid of. nothing can be more real. be safe, always.)