don't call me up when the snow comes down

this heart has seen the broad side of a bus one too many times. standing in the middle of a fast moving freeway - eyes closed. what a stupid idea. what a stupid girl. always knew who you were, and it was so easy to decide not to care. so the jokes on me. what's new? i would have shared it all with you, but you turn your face on the world.





so you're not sorry.
neither am i.

sitting on top of the bottom

trying to make this easy.
heavier hearts feel lighter when you spill your dreams on the street.
want to light a billboard outside your house.
no matter how bright
i know you'd find a way to shine brighter.
cast a dark spot on the horizon in comparison.
still, all signs are go - mission impossible
i guess i'll see you when i see you.

It's not me - it's you.

my favorite face. "i will never believe in anything again." did you mean what you said? what a mess. mostly just for me. if i survive this it'll be a miracle. asked for a day without compromise - God ignores. folded hands and crashing hips to your favorite song.
wish you'd sing it to me.



Merry Christmas, I could care less.

hey, so i'm a real big fan of yours

laugh at how many ways you make me jealous.
put me to shame.
we'll miss you here when the time comes.
would it be possible to pull your head close?
mine goes with the volume.
wish this was describable.



look like the twilight, magnetize me.

Freckle, Freckle.

Go from high to love faster than you could comprehend. a brain that pre-programs in the morning turns out to abort itself every few minutes. never the same person at day break as when your head hits the pillow. throwing myself in my own convent. don't want to fall apart. would give too much for a deep breath and the ultimate form of relaxation. RIL receptors in the foreground of my mind flip their switch- send me in a frenzy. begging for sleep.



"I love the mayhem more than the love"
knew you were impossible. i've never been proven wrong before.
sadly its only sad for you.
you're predictable, what a pitty.

sandman

"Head like a steal trap"

guarded.
reaching to you through airwaves.
thinking of hips and fast get aways.
you're worshiped
you're loved
you're absolutely terrible.

take deep breaths of you.
breathe easier.

enraged.

never been thrown around so much in all my life. brought to my knees. bad always follows the good. worse follows the great. want you to know i've never been so infactuated.

"the way i think of you is billboard big
only i could never tell (you)"

i was too lucky to speak to you in the first place. you look like everything i've thought come to life. so many words explain you. none help me figure you out. mooning over you through lyrics and melodys. knew i signed a deal with the devil. can't say i wouldn't do it again. can say im sick of this pattern. you don't even know me. do you even want to?

light up my phone, im sitting in the dark.

that's so you

life as i know it has ended. flying through long chapters in a short time. feel like im missing things. feel like im winning it all- or nothing. trying desperatly to hold this all together. it could be slipping through my fingers. getting away from me. treading water gets harder after all this time, and you're no help. its always up and down with you. know its no good, but the pull you have on me is will shattering. i'm out of my head with this.



breathing for a second would be nice.
"its not a side effect of the cocaine."

Takes the bait

it goes both ways.



I want to kiss you

giving a title to your dying day- everyday.

sick and twisted and screaming. can't hold on to this. feeling like your only option is to send yourself flying out a window. want you to know how many times it's come down to love and leave. how simple is it for the world to walk away. they all face toward the sunrise as you walk into the sunset. never seeing the dawn of a new day. reality closes in too quick for the walking wounded. this constant prayer begging for an answer has gotten nothing. ignored. when you can't stand to be alone, lonliness is obviously the worst thought. can't stand to live it day to day. phantom scents bring the clearest memories. send molten honey down my throat, through my limbs. its you, breaking through. if i don't surrender to this- well i'll just promise to make it through the night.



no backbone.
to worn out to remember how or why.

Jumping at the chance to free it all

pushing it back. is it possible for a soul to die with the prospect of new life? feel like jumping from a rooftop. want to sign my name on the dotted line. want to give in, give it all to you. think the reason i had a seperate place for this was all for my protection. now it courses through the veins, lighting a fire in them. bitter shame, you're sweet. can feel in my heart, rather than my soul. shut it down. pick it up in the moon light, watch your eyes shine. still i miss the sun. words pour from soft pads, the prodding of an infectious feeling races through the night. flashing lights across my eyes. affected so by the songs ive been longing to hear. its dizzying- maddening even. say it, its been too long. willing to give it all, promise to hold on. no strings attached, but welcome. God knows losing now would lose a life. obsession is the easiest love. tortured by it. by the looks of it you seem fine. can't stand to be away. fall so hard, so fast. expressing you through billboards and skylines. images of perfection in a lost and lonely veiw. don't want this stream of inspiration to end. frightening how i feel it draining. each punch of the key exhausts a lasting moment in my head. it brings me closer to sleep, but i never want to rest again. the wild fire burns reckless, it flickers in places hiden away from you. you send the control center into a frenzy. it goes haywire with a single look.




feeling new- know i'll never be the same somehow.
this spirit is wild.

Beacons
Tha Gang
Late Nights
Denny's
StakeNShake
Theatre
Lazer Tag
Clown Cars
Sweater Vests
Hey There (place name here)
Hand Holding
Friendship
Profile Pictures
Kiss Virginity
Cheese Sticks
Salad
Hashbrowns
irresistable boys
Respect
Long Embraces between besties
Shelby
The Chase
New Friends
Old Friends
Forever Friends
Face Double
Pop Chat
"LMFAO"
Hair
Curtains
Stage Lights
Joseph <333
The After Life
Giggle Box
Movies
Cars
Avenue Q
Crackins From the Sea
Vogue Poses
Quiet Nights
Electric Currents



thankful for the greatest memories,
the greatest loves,
and the greatest friends i've ever known.

sitting on a rainbow

so much has changed. thought about you in a different light. love how i can joke with you and know its okay. if you we're wondering- you really do look good in blue. you're always going to mean more than my own life. and somehow i still live for that.


on another note- the waiting is intolerable. hate when it gets dark and im around you. the electricity is unbearable. at the same time i'd rather forget you're there. giving up at this point sounds so appealing. so many emotions thrown from so many different directions. its too hard to keep track. mostly i'm asking you to "Fly me to the moon. Let me play among the stars. Let me see what spring is like On a-Jupiter and Mars. In other words, hold my hand. In other words, baby, kiss me" not one for stupid games. my poker face is nonexistant. you're irresistible.


baby, its could outside.
come in

flaw is the truth

there is no point to doing this anymore.
so much to say,
and no words to say it.
i hate you for this.


story of my life.

long live the car crash hearts

deleted what was previously blogged.


forgot to not get ahead of myself.
i'm extremely selfish,
and for that i am very sorry.
won't be hard to get over it,
i'm ready for that.
i'm just not ready to give up completely.
keeping the light on behind a locked door.

This heart's caving in

edit::
the sunrise peaks through my window,
and somehow i'm reminded of how you look to me.
a new day. a new light. breathe it in.



but you can't love a wild thing.

turn your face to the left, so i can look at you in the light

never in history has there been a landslide victory- for me anyways. its the sickest feeling being so close to you while your mind is so far. i can feel it wandering to places i can't follow. been a bit distant, unless you're around. my mind always wanders to you. you can't undue what's been done here. make it pretty clear where i stand with you. her smile compared to everything i wish i was. want to know you. what do you know about me? notice things no one else ever would. don't think you notice i'm captivated by you, or maybe i'm just hoping you don't. stacato thoughts and broken phrases. trying to make sense of it all- ha. goodluckdreamer



I just want to hold your hand.

"What a Catch, Donnie"

can't believe how i'm feeling right now- it's over. it's begining. it's too late. it's never too soon. begging for this not to end. i'm not ready to live with memories just yet.



life feels right- for now. the future is as blurred as ever.
couldn't be more scared, or excited.


you look so good in blue.

disabused

had a lot to say.
then got too ahead of myself to write it down.

friends or battle cries

just want to send you quotes straight from the call. im humbled. im overjoyed. tear up when i think of how we've all come full circle. its the unity that hones in on its target. we used to have something so small. til we all grew. could never forget if i tried, though i know i would never want to. things change so much. said i wish i would have done things different - now i know i never would. glad we didn't tell each other goodbye. i'd hold you if you came running. lift you up to the highest. no one feels this feeling. hope one day you all do. turn your head back to what used to be and smile at the memory. let it grow strong. let it be loud. every one of you has a special place right here. it remains the same in the glow and heat of the sun. its bitter sweet. it still means the world. i'd run if you called - i'll still look on even if you didn't. got a heart that can hold the old with the new. this is my ode to you, to us. the friendship we all shared that summer and every summer past. no matter the changes. you're all here. i've got your shadows on my walls. your laughter resides in my ceilings. your ghosts run through the darkness. its a plague, but its welcome. and to those brilliant few who have stayed - i've got your shadows on the walls of my heart. your laughter resides in my soul. and your ghosts will forever run through my mind when we've parted ways to live out the rest of our lives. just thanking you for everything- for the life you've all given me.



"Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forge
tLet your memories grow stronger and stronger
Til they're before your eyes
You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say good bye"

Quoted you, quoting me to you.

Want to waste all my time with you. Want to lay in bed all day, watch you unfold. Know how life is going to turn out before it even happens. would you ever think about me, as much as i think of you? "the best of us can find happiness in misery" like i'd rather have a part of you than nothing at all - or not. won't stop until youre mine, or i should stop before i get too ahead of myself for the hundreth time. "I'm sorry - sorry that i'm perfect for you in everyway." can't comprehend how in the hell i found the heart i want to be a part of most - and how its not mine to change. guess always having so much hope in the most hopeless of situations can keep you going. nothing (or no one) else will anyway.



this is unrelated, but i missed you today.
its been awhile. but it felt the same anyway.

WARM WORM.

Know i comment on the most random of ideas. what if you're really meant for no one, and not good for anything. what if you're meant to sleep inside the machine while all the other parts work and do their job. so tired of sleeping. tired of mindlessly working towards an unsatisfiable goal. send my death through the information highway. i guess thats the hardest to understand. the hardest way to give up and be saved. dont want to push you toward what i want most. for once i want someone to be on the side im standing on. for now its just me. guess i could rip up what my soul has left and walk away completely. though i feel so new. can't go through that all again. disillusioned, and fading - fast. and Jesus Christ, yours is the prettiest face. when can i take a turn. asking for someone to share this with. if you're listening, i'm begging for an answer.


"Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face
The kind you'd find on someone that could save
If they don't put me away
It’ll be a miracle
Do you believe you're missing out?
That everything good is happening somewhere else
But with nobody in your bed
The night is hard to get through"

As smashed as a broken window.

Want to throw it all back to you. sitting on a porch with the sun in your eyes. it feels like the newest and greatest change of all. i don't want to fake it. wonder if you can see the hope fixed in my eyes. you couldn't be more perfect if i had dreamed you here. convinced i probably did. "maybe youre gunna be the one that saves me." its a beg, and a dream. mostly just a call for someone to answer- for you to answer. cute as a drag queen, and oh god knows ive never laughed harder. the smile you give me could burn this town. and we could set the world on fire. this feeling is the realest thing i've ever known. give me your word and make it a promise. break it and you break me. keep it and you make me. you make us. want to scream im moving on, want to hault and hold on (to you). what more could you ask for? someone untangle my thoughts and let me rest. weave them into the most beautiful of dreams. ill continue believing in you, if you can try to believe in me. show a sign, and im down and out. forever in your wake. and my god how you shine in the light- its blinding.



you're brilliant.

won't let it pass me by

a year ago i could have died. today i'm thriving. living off the "auras" of the greatest people i may have ever met. stuck between old and new, but no matter where i end up i'm proud to say i've moved forward. want to cry because i miss you. want to laugh because i know i'll never really lose you. used to hate that i'd always carry you with me, now i rejoyce. ill never be alone. its the inner child in me that loves this new experience of growing up. been fighting it for so long that letting go feels like going to kindergarden. new and exciting. ive learned so much in the past few weeks. can't wait to find out what lies ahead. asking you to be the one to lead me there. i guess this is less of a metaphoric block of thoughts and more of a way to tell you i'm finally doing well.



pop the glock, and dance forever.

catch my troubled head

guess its better to be let down before you become too invested. its like "hart and sole" really. meeting people who make you see the magic in everything feels completely new. i want to be a part of it all. you said it was like you knew you'd love her. well i knew id feel the same for you. never met someone so perfectly aligned to were my brain waves go dreaming and still have to question whether its right. fall to the floor an pray/beg for something true to finally come around. still hoping maybe that something is you. fight for it. when you're like who i was you can't do anything but loose. now i want to win the world over. smile for the crowd and hope they applaued- take a bow.



end scene.

We keep it running - turn the machine

We are the machine. twist, turn, rot. pull inspiration from the most pathetic places. pray for someone to lift my head. it gets weighed down more and more each day. i don't think there's anyone out there to match where my mind has been. i want to hear it hit the floor. i want a soul to turn to mine and glow. ive never been given a chance. want someone with a heart who's been there. so tired of the norm. someone pick my tired eyes up off the couch. Lord knows ive never prayed harder. please god, let me make it through the night. if youre the one to answer, please don't stay away. I'm begging for a change. folded knees and hands, still humming hallelujah.

For the love of the children!

Almost sorry to say how much i still feel. but hardly true. I'd say you shouldn't flatter yourself, but please do. Yours is an accomplishment trully greater than any I've ever known. "I don't want to ever love another" and so on. I couldn't lie, I hate your eyes. (now I get it) nothing could be more beautiful to me. nothing could hurt more than every two syllables i strain to hear you speak. can't help but smile in your wake. what a wave. "lake effect kid"(1) and God what I'd give to share that with you. It is My Dream. My City. My Child. My Home. My everything. Open your eyes wide, show your beauty, and let it be mine.


1: "it is our thank you to the fireworks on lake michigan and the winters on our breath in the cold months in chicago."


Being in the Grace of God is the most beautiful experience i've had. Hope to keep on keepin' on. its always one step forward two steps back for me. i'll continue none the less. making a written and outward statement to your glory. nothing is too great for you.

Still singing "Hum Hallelujah"

not afraid to die

just afraid of dying lonely. but the sound feels the same. loneliness. fills my head with heavy thoughts. think i like it most because it takes its space in the parts im missing. single celled. muliplying. stretching across the wound to binde to the open seering edges. paralize the ache. all to make me happier, for now anyway. went to the place where i dreamed of us. together building something real. a cure. a relief. a sign. its twisted to know i'll always have you with me. though i'd love to let you leave, i know i never could. take it personally. i can't believe i let you do this. wonder how you'd live if you knew. or would you even care. or did you ever care.


bleed and dream
run
sit and sturr
barricade
binde and break
settle

this is you

swallow and divulge
comfort
hold and speak
release
hide and relax
forget

this is you to me

Missouri Girl

because you're the only thing I was ever actually good at. and after all this time i know why i loved you. I knew what to say. I knew how to act. All i had to do was be. just be me, be completely free. and there you were. i've come around. randomly out of no where, there you'll be again. taking me over. I can't smile, can't think about anything except why you arn't here. we've all got to come around to this. spent a night with the greatest people I've ever known. had one of the greatest feelings i've had in a while. i hope i don't forget it too soon. visions for the future are looking bright. for now anyway.



oh. and one last thing.
i'm glad i didn't wish for you

Happy Birthday

I deleted what I had recently wrote.
Due to the fact that I was getting way ahead of myself.



So edit;;

Today I celebrate the life of the soul who saved my life. I trully thank God for this day for without which I may not be here. Not only do I use this day to thank God for the person who saved my life I would also like to use it to appreciate all who have kept me going despite everything I am. So thank you. I am eternaly Greatful for you all.


And just to be clear, this relationship I have with a "stupid band" means more to me than any of you will ever understand. It was a life saver. It is my hero. I believe in them because understand it or not, they believe in me.


So,
Happy Birthday Peter.
Thanks for being there when everything fell apart.

Leave the light on

I want to live. I can't express that enough. and I'm sorry to everyone. I'm never really all there. my head is always heading somewhere else. "i ain't that sad, but I'm sad enough," and I'm sorry. Mostly I just want to give my whole heart to someone. but good luck star gazing on a cloudy night. maybe i'm just scared to lose the only connection i have with you. or maybe i'm just scared of losing my mind when your gone. couldn't wake up today. exhausted from all of this. so tired it hurts to try. but i still think of you. think of forgetting you though i never realy could. i'm waiting for you to come around. don't write me off just yet, i'm still on board.



waiting for your call.

Make me over

And I breathe again. There are different types of panic. mine is always pure. the purest. the weakest. the sickest. it has no meaning. it has no backbone. it generates itself. i have pitty on my own tired eyes. i have pitty for my own tired head. i want to put it to rest. can't take how much it hurts, so i take it to go. sweep it under the rug and save it for another day. a day like today. im tripping over my own faults while everyone else sits and smiles. its fake. my dreams dont feel like dreams. they feel like false hope. my days feel like dreams that never end. nightmares that can't scare me anymore. it always comes back in the worst from. like two devils sitting on my shoulders. one worse than the other, but both fatal. im only mortal. mortal man can do onto mortal man what i can do onto myself. ive wished you were here. now i wish i would have never met you. i wish i didnt have the chance to meet myself. dim the lights on this overactive soul. detach me.

things have changed for me

its so much easier to wake up even though you arn't here. things that used to make me hurt now make me smile. youre unlike anyone ive ever known, dont get that mixed up. but i cant live in your shadow. i feel the pain draining out of my toes and the ends of my fingers. its like a whole new fire in my veins. a fire for life. this feeling is new. i dont feel wrapped up in everything you are. i feel released from everything you never were to me. some days i feel like i can't move. you hover over me. but i finally feel free. the sun shines a little longer in a world where i used to wish for night