as you cry

everything in me says you're no good. but please, just don't go. terrified what the world is going to turn into. lately breathing has become more like an option, and less of a necessity. you make the little sanity i have left go up in flames. honey flavored and molten. want to tell you all the ways i'd keep you here. (but to you - you took the little sanity i have left and brought me home. its just easier to go back to this, to him, now that you've chosen to leave me out in the rain. that doesn't mean i want this. im just sorry ahead of time. the honest truth is that i really am trying to escape from you. back to the valentines. so its okay. write me off, but please just don't hate me.)

"And she combed your hair, and she kissed your teeth
And she made you better than you'd been before
She told you bad things you wished you could change in the lazy summer
And she told you, laughing down to her core, so she would not cry as she lay in your lap
She said "nobody here can live forever, quiet in the grasp of dusk and summer"
But you've already lost
When you only had barely enough to hang on
She said, "no one is alone the way you are alone"
And you held her looser than you would have if you ever could have known
Some things tie your life together, slender threads and things to treasure
Days like that should last and last and last"

but i know i'll wait for you here.

just a click and a clever tweet away..

they had it right all along when they asked why we fight for this losing game. i never gave them an answer, but i'm pretty sure they already had one. locked up somewhere convenient they've left the guide only meant for the most worthy of eyes. i want to get lost in the disease of summer. read shakespeare in the heat of the afternoon, and bathe in the scent left from your open window. want to find someone sprawled across a cold couch waiting for a chance to admire the bronze and smooth quality of summer tainted skin. want to kiss lips bound to the dusk of bittersweet nights. 

the moon always sets too soon on you. 

front row seat -

convinced love is never destroyed. finding refuge in the strangest places lately. people who said they would be there and still want to lift your head up when it hurts to try - they matter. they are the ones who meant it when they said forever. thanks to you. thanks to those summers and to those nights drawn from long talks and sweet sentiments. spent a day in the sun (it still feels like love). the same feelings and memories are always going to be carved on the hearts of those we've gotten to know.

when you meet new people, who they used to be reflects highly on who they are now. changes and experiences mark the individuality of each heart you speak to. listen to them. give yourself a chance to learn from someone. let their scars aid in the healing of your own.

every minute it gets easier - or so you all should think. thats the grand scheme of it all. completely sane isn't genius or unique at all. 

this place was a sanctuary. now it feels tainted. an unsafe haven.

what i wrote here once felt real. i'm not ashamed in the slightest.

i shouldn't be.

as for you, i hope next time you think twice before you ruin something that's even more important to you. assuming, well, never mind.

anywayS, stay sweet.

home sweet home

back to the beginning, or maybe somewhere before that. gave me the song to explain your head, now i'd like nothing more than to break you down to nothing. can't stop starring in the mirror. the reflection looks back childish and broken. haven't seen her in a while, but she seems happy to see me. ironically, when you let someone save you, they usually gain the power to ruin you. in my case that's never worked out so well. always end up on the wrong side of the bet. it feels familiar walking around this place. the comfort of the madness overwhelms. sleep for days, or not at all. when the world was bright everything felt new. oddly, its good to be back where the demons can crawl out and shake my hand. they take their place on my shoulders, burrow into my chest. better judgement tells me not to make their presence permanent, but i think they're the only thing that will ever be here to stay. been trained to push forward. never leave a person behind (you can use my head as your stepping stool). hope you can see that i'm going to try. you kept my head above water for so long only to raise the water level. just stay around to let me tread. can't stand how i'm miserably letting you have your cake, and eat it too. i wish there was a way to convey the panic i feel when i realize i've got no answers. i'm scared to death. in too many ways you look the same, even with the tears constantly fogging the rims of my eyes. the darkness gives them a chance to roam from one eye to the other and onto the floor. no one knows how that makes my head feel. with you the words were stuck, i wished for them back. now i'd trade all the words for you. dying to be figured out. for now, i'll float in and out of sanity. pretty faces during the day just to meet the girl in the mirror at night.

you don't know who i was before you.

i don't know who i'm going to turn into now.

"maybe next time i'll remember not to tell you something stupid like

I'll never leave your side"

it's going to be a while

been a while since i've felt myself solo, feet stuck to the earth. i know it exists somewhere in the world. the sun feels like love on my skin and i know its true. when you waste time chasing ghosts you find yourself alone. thats true on your end, not mine. i never lied. i never faltered. my persistence was unwavering. fool me once shame on you. fool me twice - fuck you. swear fingers blazing and i know i'm my own better half. my mind works through the thickness quickly. it clears, and somehow i feel free. no need to question. honestly, you never really knew me anyway. when the bubble surrounds more than just your own mind, let me know. immaturity is the act of thinking we need someone else to complete us. ignorance becomes the bubble. combine the two, it makes a good case to dissect and lay out. maybe someone will learn something from this.

the words almost came too easy.

scream my lungs out and try to get to you

always conflicted. you're the only one who gets to me. don't even know what you do to me. waste so much time thinking about you i can't remember what's important. but if you won't let me waste my time with you, i'll waste it the best way i can. if you're gone long enough for me to miss holding your hand, it's been too long. come back to me. when you're distant i wonder where your mind is. i want to add up. i need this to work, but somehow i don't think you're letting go. i know i'm stuck, but i'm ready. afraid if i let it go too far you'll fall back. be honest, could i ever be all you need?

oh, btw. "because i knew you i have been changed for good."

but i know you're wrong this time, and i'm not going to fight it.

still, thank you. for everything.

You can call me - JAMIE

its still hard to find the right thing to say. don't want to get to ahead of myself. one sided with a one track mind means i can't wait for a breath of fresh air (though i know it's going to feel more like a stab in the back)

"I've got headaches and bad luck, but they couldn't touch you."

no games. no indecision.

without being too forward -

yours is the only hand i ever want to hold.