"Look to the past"

still not sure who im going to turn out to be.
still living in moments with you that make me feel alive.
breaking the silence with your voice.

The sheets on your bed are the flowers on my casket

when im laying in the sunshine i can feel you next to me. i couldnt come up with a better way to say this except for that i know im supposed to end this life we live holding onto you. "i want to be known for my hits, not just my misses" except in hit or miss situations you only ever hear about the screw up. The Screw Up- the kids who've got it made. you couldnt stop laughing if you wanted to. you know as soon as the air comes back into your lungs you feel the pain. the screw ups would rather go on. the screw ups are the kids you say hi to, but laugh when they walk away. because its easier to build them up than to be a decent person. you can't be afraid of death when you never had a chance to live. The Screw Up. He is the collective us, sharing a sigh of relief. exhausted and numb. warm us up, because we're only ever as cold as the glances you throw us. pity and shame. it shakes your core until your bones feel like they are going to bleed. trying so hard, perhaps too hard to make you think that they are worth your time. the screw ups, sharing a sigh of relief when every awkward conversation, every odd moment, and every stupid studdering sentence finally comes to an end.


"Its the sword that we will live by, even if it means we have to die this way."

Abandon All Hope

Begging for this to stop. its not the dream you hope for. just the eyes searing, mind blazing, stomach wrenching, shoulder shuddering, back breaking depression that controls every aspect of your sad little state. youd trade your soul for the cool dark room depression in the songs you base your life on. a fond farewell and all. just when you think you've moved on it comes back in such a way that you feel as if there will never be happiness in the world again. your own personal death eater, here just when you need him. (remind me to thank J.K. for such a studious and personal creation.) and when its not here it feels like youve lost your best friend. no matter how many angles you study it from you cant win here. youve never won so basically its a given loss anyway. they had it right when they said its better not to care. the less you care, the less to lose. simple, and tambourine that shit.




____aholic

"Dear you, tonight lets get ahead of ourselves"

go back to that summer and remember what it meant to you then. I think sometimes you have to break your own heart to feel alright. like you've got to stop it from working the way it was and make it function the way you want it programed. all your troubles were only ever self-inflicted and over exaggerated. stop the vicious cycle all together. find a niche where you feel alright and stay there until it passes. moral of the story - if it won't stop raining, make your own fucking sunlight.


I'm going to burn down Neverland. I want to grow up so fast that I can't remember what happened. I do not want this life any more and no one is going to stop me. All I keep hearing is "we have control" well if we have control, here it is right out in the open. I want it all to be over. And I want it to be over now. Say whatever you want, think whatever the fuck you want, but this is what I want. This is what I believe and this is what I'm going to make mine because no matter who it hurts. I'm done, and I'm not sorry. I don't believe in forever because I don't believe in today. I refuse to look back. I want to move foward at the speed of light.


You're mind pulls at what it was like back then and how it feels right now. And I always find myself back at that summer. I remember what it felt like beside you, and how you looked draped with the glow of the fire. I hate how much it hurts living in a moment you wish you could erase. I don't just want the burrial and tombstone I want the fucking memorial parade.


It's a trick of the light. same meanings, just cleverly contrieved words arranged so you can/'t understand.

I've got all these feelings and no place to put them : take two

Just so you know I'll never get rid of that collage you made for me and I don't regret wasting my money to get you a mcflurry when you were crying and i'll miss how crazy your house is in the morning when im trying to sleep because we were up way too late the night beforetalking about the rest of our lives and how monotonous things can get right when you thought they couldn't get any worse
I never let things go
expecially things i really love
/rant.


can't help but feel something's missing. i try to hint at it but no one's ever been too good at following my broken paths. i miss things i shouldn't miss and im thinking about things i shouldnt ever think about. everytime this comes back i get a feeling in my stomach and i know it wont ever leave. everytime you come back i pray you stick around forever. my mind goes back and forth until its not okay to think anymore. oxygen (or whats left of it)spreading to every other limb except my brain. theres always something to be said. feel useless and irritating.



sighs
and back to the real world.