the aftermath

i've got to let this be okay. just breathe in and out, hope i make it through the night. the cold makes me feel real. still tethered to the solid ground. terrified of what this means. you've got a heart that mirrors mine, but you're not the first so you can't be the last. i need you like a bad habit. the worst. "i love how i never care about anything you say, except how i always do." still waiting for the day i can look at a pair of eyes and claim them as my own. i could get angry, i could be malicious, and though i already am it already doesn't matter. i'm going to do the worst for myself. i'm going to shove myself back to the bottom. don't get your hopes up, they never make for anything but trouble. i'll take this ultimatum, but it scares the living hell out of me. who am i going to be when we both decide its too much for me? wish i was an iron heart. obviously you're not worth any of this, but to me you are.

i fear it over death.