The good

Working for a paycheck is nothing my strong heart has ever felt like it needed. sitting here sifting through the ashes and the bits of me leftover from you, working towards something golden seems like a decent thought. you are best at reading body language sent your way. just take a second to understand it, and you'll never have to ask questions.

"I've got all this love behind my eyelids."

But you're no one to go cutting ears off for.

except, what if you are.

that you've found a someone.

wondering if you can feel when my eyes pierce your frame. thinking maybe one day i could be walking beside you and without hesitation, you'd extend your hand. days and nights are filled with us, and i know you don't look at anyone the way you look at me. i've got writings on the walls and notes posted to my bed frame as reminders of where you'll be and who is in your head. still, there is comfort in the room when you're here. you take in the fumes and toxins and rage, even the ones caused by your futile mistakes, and clear the sordid spaces in my head. i've played with the idea of writing you off and sending out every one of your incredibly deserved fuck yous, but i care for you with too much of myself to ever send you away for good. for now, i'll cry behind closed doors and shake in front of the manifestations of my worst fears (colored jeans, sunglasses, jean jackets and the idea that you might be wishing to be close to him) until I know I'm on the mend.

I held your hand with all the force behind my joints. I wanted you to hold me one last time and mean it, and I'll never forget how it felt when you finally did. My limbs feel wrecked, my heart feels betrayed - but i've got you. somehow, you're here.

As long as you're around,

I never want to feel the universe expanding between us again.

of all times to be seeing things.

realizing now how truly warped i've become. following paths only as far as the glow of the headlights. not thinking about tomorrow, not thinking of anything but myself. dumbing down now. the power of higher conscious finally took its toll. though head and soul might feel better if i let them, there is no comfort in subduing who you are deep down. save it for a rainy day and all. heart is aching, but thats the only thing that feels familiar these days. tainting all of the things i've considered the most beautiful. the toughest road is self-realization. get down, get lonely. maybe all we need is to throw our questions out the window. distance takes me further from where i want to be, and though i've figured nothing out, abandoning this state i'm in feels counter productive. wanting to be free feels more like raising a toast.

this one's for the scum bags.

more bass.

emotion, much like color, is completely relative. they've got you wrapped up in what you think is truth, but poetically speaking my purple could be your yellow - and you'd never know otherwise. this brings us to a general feeling which we will label as happiness. what i feel as complete and utter joy, you may feel as torture and worldly demise. the reality here is that you've been trained to believe that what you see is, in fact, what is. really, you've never been more wrong.

packing up boxes belonging to my former self. shipping them off to some warehouse i don't know the name of. not planning on visiting them for quite some time. picking up the pieces, adding some new gears and shiny gadgets to distract from the worn out bits of my once human form. attributing the shakes and constant headaches to the transformation. still, i know i'd be a fool to think my body is over extracting the toxins deposited from the mind i'll never get to know. but everything goes on as was planned before the let down. attaching myself to strings of those whose hearts i am certain are true. unfortunately, you can never be too careful.

there's a change in the wind, says i.

insomnia

the prospect of tomorrow is you

the birds hound the night with their noise

trains sound their horns in the distance

its a parade of sorts

nothing is ever as hopeless as it seems,

except when it is.

when the sun sets tomorrow

we will have our answer.

ready to remember all that ive forgotten

and then lose it all again

i'll go, i've been. we're back.

its the baptism of thoughts

flowing like holy water through my fingers.

refuse to believe i made it that easy for you to walk away

though you've made it easy enough to turn this into quite the show.

so, tonight i bow (out)

tonight, i finally feel real again.

I've seen so many beautiful sights

and they're enough to piece together the rest.

so that we know it hurts.

spending time locked away, wrapped in myself. creating fiction so fantastic its as if i could make it play out word for word. i could simply say hello, and you'd start spitting out the words i've pretended you've sad one too many times. the best part of this falsehood is that it feels like if i could let you fall into into speaking these words, you'd mean them. its dangerous being this weak for you. one step away from shattering this beautiful fable i've fabricated on nothing but longing and the space of dead air. hoping still that maybe someday i'll click my heals, and you'll know to wish for me too.

i've put myself beside you, filling the space between your arms. here is where we should fall asleep, but i let you drift as i stay awake. i listen to your breathing as it steadies, and i slow my lungs to match your rhythm. your heart beats so heavy i hear it pulsing against the edges of my mind. i turn to find your face, and am surprised to see you starring back. your smile spreads wide. i kiss your teeth and find your hand. safe and content, i drift into a sleep too comfortable to dream. the hours pass until the sunlight streams in, and i wake in a panic with an empty hand. still, your back is pressed to mine. there is a moment where i wonder how we drifted so far through the night, but before i have time to process the feelings rising to the surface, you stir and quickly search the space surrounding you. i turn, you take my hand, and our bodies involuntarily mold to each other's frames.

here sits the evidence for which i have built my case. you once were here, and though you may have left i still feel you everywhere. my only hope lies in that some day i will turn to search for you, and there you'll be searching for me too.

wanting nothing more than to wake up to find your skin

looking into the sweetest pair of eyes that have ever starred back at mine.