i count on them

in a position at this very moment that i would rather not be in. we could be the world. but youre too set on ignoring the truth. ill stay here for as long as i can, but the reality is setting in too quickly.

down and out

more than confused. more than angry. sleepless nights waiting for the sunrise, followed by sleepless mornings agonizing over your troubled head. i am not out of character, and you don't care. why would you? becoming far too invested, but never mind. slouching shoulders and glaring eyes. pick me up. i want to beam. i want it to be you, but right now i just want you to go away forever. terrified you might be thinking the same. My thoughts are stuck. having so much to say, but no motivation to let it out is enough to send me to my knees. disappointed. begging for you to enlighten me. I never want to know, except I always do.

"I don't know where you've been, but I could wash your sins away."

like wildfires

I am dirty and I am shitty, and I will make no more excuses for that. You're the one thing in my life that stands by me without question. You take this hollow existence I create for myself and with nothing more than the truest belief in everything that I am, you set a fire under me. You are pure. You hurt and you love. Your trust is always earned, and I will burn in silence for causing a disruption in this relationship that we have built. In a short time priorities can aline themselves. Always taking the good with the bad. Learning from mistakes and praying that you never lose the strength in your heart to stand by me. You're my favorite blessing, and you should know that I will always place my bets on you, always. and I will constantly sacrifice for you, because you do it for me more than i wish to admit. Realizing now that the things I desperately think I need, I don't. I want you to understand the meaning behind these simple sentences more than ever. You make me want to be better, because this villain needs a hero like you.

So I will keep raging, but not for the same reasons I have before. Making diagrams for all the shit and disappointment there is in this world so that the people I care about never end up on the wrong side. To those that I love the feeling is immense, and I am eternally grateful for each and every one of you and your ability to put up with this fucked and dented heart. To the rest of you, fuck you. I don't want any of your bullshit. Not now, not ever. I don't want any piece of your life, and I hang my head in shame as you waste your time being the trite and cliche little shits that you know you are. I'm accepting the fact that wanting to be good doesn't always mean you can be, but the people you choose to put in your life should should be markers of the goodness inside of you, and goddamn it i've got some of the best. i will keep trying to accept myself and my potential because you all deserve that. Every heart I know outdoes my expectations of them, plus some. I would gladly settle to be even a fraction of the person my friends are.

I don't want to be a disappointment.

I am making promises. and I will keep them.

Most importantly, I'm just sorry.

feeling alright

expression is the most passionate form of therapy. you're all over everything. i'd erase you, but i fear what would come of me if i let myself get that reckless/careful. nothing ever makes sense, but i'll keep looking at your online status until all hours of the night. i will keep falling asleep before your idle moon. the way you move is inspiring, and i don't ever want to forget it.

i'll write you into forever.

the curse

driving down the road, feeling my heart slowly slink out of my chest. to be the soul that cures another. to be cured in return. you ruin me over things that never existed. after all this turmoil felt only by me and making up tragedies to some how loosely fit the music, i know it could never be you. it hurts too much to wait here, but endurance is all i've mastered at this point. you've got me. asking to be fucked up by something true, rather than just whats fucked up in my mind. the only comfort i can manage is knowing that somewhere you're moving.

I don't need anymore animation than that divine truth.

the aftermath

i've got to let this be okay. just breathe in and out, hope i make it through the night. the cold makes me feel real. still tethered to the solid ground. terrified of what this means. you've got a heart that mirrors mine, but you're not the first so you can't be the last. i need you like a bad habit. the worst. "i love how i never care about anything you say, except how i always do." still waiting for the day i can look at a pair of eyes and claim them as my own. i could get angry, i could be malicious, and though i already am it already doesn't matter. i'm going to do the worst for myself. i'm going to shove myself back to the bottom. don't get your hopes up, they never make for anything but trouble. i'll take this ultimatum, but it scares the living hell out of me. who am i going to be when we both decide its too much for me? wish i was an iron heart. obviously you're not worth any of this, but to me you are.

i fear it over death.

la-de-da

i'm cursed, so nevermind.

you and me, baby

wanting real love. fights, blissful hurt and back breaking insanity all laced and eternally encompassed in the comfort that comes from knowing a pair of eyes is forever searching for you, and you alone. really, there isn't any searching for forever in this idea. the beauty of mutual attraction is a case i am not well versed in, but i admire it over most things in this world. to meet someone and know you'd do anything to protect them as long as humanly possible. to meet true love square in the eyes. it is a phenomenon i wish for above all else in the most inner part of my soul.

to want to live forever.

yours is the first face that i saw

couldn't go to sleep without documentation. after all this time its still true that the most incredible and unwavering gift in my life is all the love i've known.

i am not my flesh.

no love

nothing compares, still i'm finding myself consumed by the same anger. i want you out of my life forever. my mind changes on a dime. this is the only place i've got to spill my guts, so here we are. rage in my heart while love races through my veins. i've said it before, i'll say it forever - you're fucking terrible. guarding my heart with my life. fuck you.

the words just won't come out.

picking the fucking world up, mother fuckers.

sitcom living

fuck it.

A happy expression. riding on cloud nine, coming straight up from the bottom. never have i ever been right, but today is the day. coming around to conclusions that I know now are truths no matter how ugly they might be. i am better than misery, but it keeps the words flowing. i believe in this, just in a different way. i'm going to use you. forget love, i've got new agendas. heal yourself, make peace.

"live from the barrel"

This is a formal apology from the deepest part of everything that I am. I'm sorry. So beyond fucking sorry that I can't make myself everything you need. Its obvious I can't be anything to you, but what's more is the electricity that courses through my core when holding onto your gaze. If I was an intelligent individual in any sense of the word I would have been ready for you. I would have had my shit together. I wouldn't be such a fuck up. I wouldn't be so wrong in so many ways. We're perfectly aligned, but this is all on me, and I understand its the truth. I know somewhere inside me that there is always hope. sadly, its a lost one. It is the small seed of an idea that keeps each foot marching on grudgingly. I never know the truth until the message has already gotten around against me, but I can't say I care this time. You're the conversation I need. You're the laughter that heals and breaks me. I am surrendering my will. Its okay, I've been here a hundred times before. I know the drill.

You're completely terrible,

but I lose myself when you speak my name.

and she made you better.

This is heavy. This is real. I can't shake this, or you. I'm turning songs into a reality i'll never face. I want to hold someone's eyes. to unglue them from the floor, "hold your head high, heavy heart." i want summer through winter. i want crying in your lap and laughing at all your clever lines. there are so many of me waiting in the corners of the world. even with spotlights, they'll all find a way to look us over. my vices can take the edge off, but im shaking for you (for anyone). i'll sit in the dark with you and wait. expectations versus reality.

in desperate need of a real smile. i want to see you laugh deep from your core. i want you to look straight through me. tell me you can't smile because you know.

but the thickness of silence.

like, he's in college. he goes here.

And I will keep raging. Raging harder and stronger because it's what i deserve. Hope will keep coursing through my veins because its the only fire they've got left. Mostly were all just closed off and terrified, but i want to be the opposite. I'm wearing my worry on my face, and keeping my heart braced for battle on my sleeve. individual. I will finish this undertaking i've claimed. I want to succeed, and i will. i have nothing to live down, no expectations to live up to. we are not disposable. we treat others like the waste we are inside to mark some sort of territory. we do it so we don't feel so alone. we fail so we can achieve. i'm going to remain solid on this promise because its a blessing to be this fucked up, wild kid that i know i am. I do not want another question. I'm the kid with all the answers from here on out.

traveling north.