insomnia

the prospect of tomorrow is you

the birds hound the night with their noise

trains sound their horns in the distance

its a parade of sorts

nothing is ever as hopeless as it seems,

except when it is.

when the sun sets tomorrow

we will have our answer.

ready to remember all that ive forgotten

and then lose it all again

i'll go, i've been. we're back.

its the baptism of thoughts

flowing like holy water through my fingers.

refuse to believe i made it that easy for you to walk away

though you've made it easy enough to turn this into quite the show.

so, tonight i bow (out)

tonight, i finally feel real again.

I've seen so many beautiful sights

and they're enough to piece together the rest.

so that we know it hurts.

spending time locked away, wrapped in myself. creating fiction so fantastic its as if i could make it play out word for word. i could simply say hello, and you'd start spitting out the words i've pretended you've sad one too many times. the best part of this falsehood is that it feels like if i could let you fall into into speaking these words, you'd mean them. its dangerous being this weak for you. one step away from shattering this beautiful fable i've fabricated on nothing but longing and the space of dead air. hoping still that maybe someday i'll click my heals, and you'll know to wish for me too.

i've put myself beside you, filling the space between your arms. here is where we should fall asleep, but i let you drift as i stay awake. i listen to your breathing as it steadies, and i slow my lungs to match your rhythm. your heart beats so heavy i hear it pulsing against the edges of my mind. i turn to find your face, and am surprised to see you starring back. your smile spreads wide. i kiss your teeth and find your hand. safe and content, i drift into a sleep too comfortable to dream. the hours pass until the sunlight streams in, and i wake in a panic with an empty hand. still, your back is pressed to mine. there is a moment where i wonder how we drifted so far through the night, but before i have time to process the feelings rising to the surface, you stir and quickly search the space surrounding you. i turn, you take my hand, and our bodies involuntarily mold to each other's frames.

here sits the evidence for which i have built my case. you once were here, and though you may have left i still feel you everywhere. my only hope lies in that some day i will turn to search for you, and there you'll be searching for me too.

wanting nothing more than to wake up to find your skin

looking into the sweetest pair of eyes that have ever starred back at mine.

the mean reds

its the things you do when you're alone that ground you. folded up to my knees, phone pressed to my forehead. and sighs. the lights are on; i don't have to keep myself from falling apart. when you have nothing its easiest just to sit and exist on your own terms. leveling out, but you could still catch me imagining you're here. terrified because i've already forgotten so much of you. like catching the sent of kindergarten classrooms, you're familiar but distant. the prospect of being in range of your energy excites my bones and panics my heart. there is a theory to document, but even i know it grows too complex in all its simplicity. isn't it a lovely fiction to dream the anticipation might be the end of you too?

tell me what i have to do to make this right.

an explanation for explanation sake.

to her, the fleeting moments after they met passed by with the sigh of the hours and their striking momentum. to him, she was the only thing he ever needed to hold onto. he could make an attempt to walk away, but the sound of her voice asking him to stay was more than he could bear to deny. he was scared, and she was tired. she spent her days trying understand him. when she finally found him hiding behind thick screens of delusions and melodies she pulled him out of his shroud and guided him to the open air. he attached himself to her, breath and body. she pulled on his shirt and grasped his hair; he sought her hand and brushed his lips to her neck in the dark. he was disarmed, and she was hopeful. to keep her close he wore her clothes through the day; she replayed the tone of his voice over in her head. she'd take in his frame and note how he slumped with the whole of the world on his mind. he'd marvel at her face and the bell tone of her laugher as he tried to imprint the feel of her confidence in his stride. the blank stare he lost himself in often startled her. she wondered if he was questioning his actions, but he was only ever solidifying his claim on her. she needed to know he belonged to her, but couldn't bring herself to believe he would ever keep her company. he longed to be strong enough to lift her shoulders when her chest caved into itself as she wept. with a night that seemingly lasted just as long as an intake of breath, she felt the tug of his importance in her chest. it latched onto her heart and soul. she felt the worry on her face. he sighed and grimaced with the complexity of guilt as he saw the end of them in her weakness.

now, without a warning, he's gone. her siren call follows him back into hiding; the desperation of her plea nearly crushes him. he removes himself from the world and forgets all he knows of empathy. she misses his heartbeat and methodically traces the empty spaces between her fingers. ghosts of their past flash on screens behind her tired eyes. he misses the way it felt to be worth something in the eyes of another, and how her warmth felt as he desperately pressed himself into her form. still, he forbids himself to win her back. the pain he would suffer in the face of her leaving was no contender for the torment he would endure if he ever caused her harm.

"I don't love you anymore, goodbye."

different

small frame

wide eyes

acid brain

convinced a war over love

is the only thing strong enough

to knock mankind to its knees.

i can't even write.

so you've disappeared, but only slightly. at least you know when to remind me you're here. talking out loud walking down muddy grass, making lists with myself in the drivers seat. i want to write down everything i miss so when the bullet points come back to life i can remember to appreciate them. more importantly for the things that fade for good, i want to remind myself that at some point i missed them. free thinking pieces of my brain flood my system, though they've all started to collect somewhere in my chest. they pulse and they breathe, they wretch and they writhe. collectively these little pieces of you and your reigning chaos sigh and snicker as i edge closer to the wilderness. in the cover of the trees i'm finding it easier to access the pieces i know i've been missing. you've taken away the conversation and the admiration. the melodies and daydreams still fog the air, but i've taken matters into my own hands.

so many things i want you to know

not enough places for me to spit it all out.

i wish you'd always been kept far.

it moves, it moves.

walking into a paramount surprise. to know the heart you've waited for has only scanned the surface, and promptly decided they're better off alone. i've got memoirs of sunrise mornings and rain washed hair. back logging appraisals of cool, smooth skin. moving in closer, sighing with the comfort of the cold side of a pillow. you've stained all that i am. your lips etched themselves onto my forehead, your hands clearly marked my palms. ghostly suggestions of what you once were stroke my hair in the dark. i've got the feeling of your breath on my neck clouding the few thoughts that aren't lingering on you. weakened, my body molds to a silhouette it hardly remembers, but has trouble trying to forget. glad i caught wind of what you were planning, it would have been a shame to document a falsehood. you disappeared, and god knows how much I wish I never had to travel back home with you. if it weren't for the sudden change of scenery, would you have had the strength to pick a few more strings for me as we kissed under cover of your half hearted melody. finding it hard to convince myself there wasn’t beauty and truth behind the scam - but somehow its all i can seem to remember.

yelling out how you should be ashamed, but i know i'm feeling all the symptoms. missing faces that rearranged my world. so many castles have been built around here just to fall. reminding myself to turn right at red lights and to close the cabinet door, but never again will i forget that happiness only comes in graphic shades of grey. daylight’s finest dream didn't last long, but it was enough to remind me where my head belongs.

this ain't where its at

nervous and hopeful. a bad combination for a bad heart. i've got nothing but everything i'll ever need, still yours is a face i'm not willing to forget. wanting to be where ever you are. i'll sit and stare across sun filled lawns, letting your laughter roll off my skin. to be anything at all with you is to steal time, to leave two handprints together on the concrete. forever doesn't have to be now, but i feel the push and pull of the your tide. you're in my steps. all over everything.

all in colors that don't exist.

heavy

spending time back against the bathroom wall. today sorrows don't reap chaos in floods down my cheek, but rather it swells and breathes in the way that i miss you. you made moments easier before i knew you. i wanted your secrets before i was even able to recognize your face. after seeing the light, i still don't feel real. mostly i attribute my wandering to you. everything that i want to be, and nothing that i am lies in you. saving the sweetest eyes i've ever seen behind a glass wall. i'll never reach you, but god knows i'd keep you if you'd let me. the hourglass emptied, and you stood there as the road stretched between us. you're just fine, i'm ruined.

if things were different

i'd never accept your answer.